Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Integrity

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty

When an individual can stay true to their own moral code in actions and words is something that will affect whether or not they can feel satisfied in life. It will affect their self-worth and damage the opinion that others may have in them.

When how a person acts is not parallel and congruent with how they feel or a moral or ethical level, the feelings of guilt, unhappiness, or resentfulness towards those whose actions are congruent with their morals and ethics can be overwhelming. The individual may feel that their life has little to no meaning, based on the fact that their actions are not portraying anything close to how they may feel on a given subject.

By being true to their own values and principles, an individual will find that it becomes easier to reach for and attain new goals that are based on their morals. The sense of honesty and belief in their own thoughts and emotions will be validated and strengthened by the fact that they know they live their life acting based on their thoughts and morals.

When a person is able to follow their own beliefs, by they moral, ethical or spiritual, through their actions as well as their words, they will have a very distinct feeling of trust and faith in themselves. It can be incredibly satisfying and fulfilling to know that words reflect actions, and vice versa. Integrity provides the individual with a distinct feeling of authenticity which will show outwardly in their behaviours and self-satisfaction.

The individual’s moral character will be more easily seen and accepted when their actions reflect their principles. Others will see their honesty and truthfulness and they will react positively to it or at least know that they will be able to trust that individual’s words and morality.

Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Celebration

Celebration: to rejoice in or have special festivities to mark a special day. To observe or commemorate with ceremonies.

By being able to celebrate and commemorate large or moving events in our own way, we learn to sort out and validate our own emotions. Rejoicing in the larger occasions and instances of life make them more memorable and they can help to create smaller celebrations.

Large celebrations

The larger celebrations, such as birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, bachelor parties, etc, create a fun and somewhat spontaneous atmosphere that helps people to relax and accept things beyond their normal routine.

Celebrating birth, birthdays, Christmas or other holidays, is a great way not only to commune with others who is also a large part of the celebration, but a wonderful way for to feel like a part of something more.

Celebrating the passing of a loved one, be it a family member, friend, or beloved pet, can also assist in the healing process. Being able to freely grieve a personal loss, or even an impersonal loss, in an individualised way can make it easier to rationalize emotions and remember the memories more fondly.

Small celebrations

Smaller celebrations can be anything that isn’t lifestyle changing, or has a very small affect on lifestyle. For example, celebrating the completion of a short story’s final draft, or being able to out-drink friends at the bar. It can even consist of smaller victories than that, such as eating a healthy meal or writing a journal entry.

Anything that marks a pebble on the path to achieving a goal, no matter how small, should be celebrated.

Celebrations do not require going out and getting hammered, or even buying a chocolate bar or trinkets. A celebration can simply be to do a little happy dance (see the lotto 649 happy dance) or doing something that normally would be saved for a larger success. Each and every success in life, and even the failures on the path to success, should be celebrated and rejoiced in

Celebration and personal freedom

The act of celebrating, for either a small or large event, allows for some personal freedom and also opens the door for conversation. It also offers the personal choice on how the event affects each person’s present and future.

Celebrating the known aspects of life, such as birth and death, allows each person to accept the unavoidable with a more pleasant and positive attitude. To accept change and celebrate it increases and solidifies the quality of self-talk as well as the level of self-worth that each person has.

Create the silver lining for each dark cloud, and they will seem more void of despair and hopelessness. Consciously choose the response to life and its events based on what type of outcome is desired.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.

Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Autonomy

Autonomy: Independence or freedom, as of the will or one’s actions. Freedom to determine one’s own actions, behaviour, etc.

Based on this definition, it is a fairly important emotional need that may not even be recognized as a need. The ability and willingness to have and exert personal actions or choices creates the feeling of independence.

A child who is not given any freedoms and is expected to fully conform will have no real understanding of their own ability to make decisions. As the child becomes a teenager, they will be thrust into a world where they must make their own decisions and are expected to be able to make educated choices. If this child has not learned through action how to make educated decisions, and then how to act upon them, how can that child be expected to succeed?

Assisted autonomy in other adults

Allow those around you to make their own decisions and choose their own methods for their actions and behaviours. Trust in them to make decisions, and if that doesn’t end well ensure that the issues that arose are discussed. That way they learn from the experience and will be more capable of making an informed choice the next time it comes up.

By discussing the issues that arise when complications with someone else’s, or your own, decision, you open the door for constructive assistance and avoid judgment. The other person will be more capable of trusting your judgment and will be less afraid to make mistakes knowing that someone will be there to help them.

Assisted autonomy in children

In a child, the ability to have a choice in a matter is of utmost importance. They relish in being able to choose between wearing the red or green shirt, in being able to decide if they want cheese or no cheese in their sandwich, in being able to decide to help mom with the laundry.

They may not make the choice you would have made. Maybe you would have chosen the red shirt, but they want to wear the green one. Regardless of whether or not it clashes with their pants, that shirt is the one they chose. If you take back your word now and tell them they must wear the red shirt, they will feel defeated and helpless. The child may feel that their choice was not good enough, or that they are unworthy of making their own decisions.

Once the child makes their choice, let them follow it through. If it doesn’t end well, don’t be there just to shake your finger and tell them “I told you so” because that will not help them. If it doesn’t end well, be there to tell them that it is okay to make mistakes, and that it is okay to try something different. Because it is okay to make mistakes and try something different. That is how we as humans learn.

Small victories lead to bigger goals

The faith in oneself to make a decision, see it through, and then assess the results will invariably lead to the faith to then make bigger decisions. Bigger decisions that can be goals, either short- or long-term, that are essential to testing ones own limits and deepening the sense of self-confidence and self-trust.

The capability to create realistic goals that bolster and solidify self-confidence comes in having the confidence to make decisions. If a person can not honestly believe in themselves to make smaller decisions that will not affect their current lifestyle or future, how can they be expected to have the confidence to make goals or have dreams that can affect their current lifestyle or future?

Creating goals and having dreams is also essential to developing strong and positive personal and ethical values. Sticking to values if you have no confidence in your own choices and decisions can be virtually impossible, and can destroy the feeling of integrity. It is a downward spiral that can easily be stopped in childhood, and challenging but possible to stop into adulthood.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.

Compassionate Parenting: Time In

Feelings are messengers of met and unmet needs.


Next time you are feeling anxious or upset, take a Time In -- close your eyes and acknowledge the feelings that are arising in you. Identify them and listen quietly for the need behind them.


When you know what the need(s) is (are), don't rush to determine what to do about it. Be patient. A strategy is likely to come to mind without effort.

This quote doesn't even mention children or parenting, because it applies to everyone. Everyone feels emotions, and sometimes they can be overwhelming. When you take a Time In and assess the feelings and the needs behind them, you can acheive a small level of control and feel as though you are not just letting everything out.

I will be going over the individual emotional needs experienced and required for each and every person in the near future, but for a quick refresher you can find the chart on my previous Compassionate Parenting post about meeting needs.

Taking a time in

This can be incredibly challenging, regardless of your family situation because people are raised these days to think that taking any time for yourself is selfish. I am here to tell you that it is the opposite of selfish.

You may have heard the quote "Before you can truly love somebody, you must learn to love yourself." Or at least some paraphrasing or off-shoot of that. It's true. If you can not find it in yourself to care and love your own person, you will be very hard-pressed to find the capability to love someone else.

Take time to yourself, a time in as it were, to learn more about yourself. Use this time, even if it's only five minutes, to familiarize yourself with your feelings and your wants. Your needs. Make a list of things you want to accomplish for yourself and for each one write a little blurb on a few ways you can achieve it.

It is not selfish to take care of your own needs

If your needs are unmet, you can feel angry, embarrassed, frustrated, lonely, nervous, sad, and even puzzled. This is only the tip of the iceberg of then negative feelings you will get when your needs are not fulfilled.

Not only this, but because of the negative feelings that will begin to overwhelm your mind and body you will be less and less capable of taking care of the needs of those around you. It will be a constant downward spiral until you make it stop.

Methods

A few things you can do when life gets overwhelming are as follows:

• Listen to a favourite song
• Write a poem
• Punch pillows
• Take a bubble (or no-bubble) bath
• Have a shower
• Drink a cup of herbal tea
• Go for a walk in your neighbourhood
• Smell some flowers
• Read a page or two of a book

The list goes on. Whatever helps you or your child to calm down inside while acknowledging that there are overwhelming feelings there will work wonders.

Accept that there are some things you can not change. You can not stop the earth from turning, and you can not stop a child from being energetic. Use these unchangeable situations to create something positive and magical.

Wait for a strategy

Now that your mind has been put a little bit to ease, relax in a comfortable chair and let your thoughts wander. Focus on one need that is not being fulfilled, and consider the different possibilities of why it is being left behind.

Think of the little and big things that are affecting that need being met. Create and imagine a few steps to work towards eliminating the emotional and physical roadblocks of that need being met.

Let your mind wander and solutions will come. Don’t be afraid of them, or try to shoot them down as they come. Just write down each idea as it comes to you, no matter how strange or obtuse it seems. You can worry about filtering out unrealistic ones after. Just allow your mind to do its work and don’t try to restrain it.

Once your mind has thrown out all the ideas that it can come up with in that moment, it’s time to let the list sit for a moment. Go make a cup of coffee or tea, take a little walk, and just step away from the list for a minimum of two minutes.

When you come back, you will have cleared your mind again, and you can take up the task of rereading your list. Cross out the ideas that truly can not be completed and put asterisks beside the ones you aren’t sure about. The ones you are sure can be completed with minimal effort or strain should be done first, as they will be the easiest and will yield the quickest response on your needs.

Write out any additional information for the ideas that you plan on completing, any little notes to yourself that you want to emphasize, or particular people you’d like to speak with regarding this. Anything that will make it easier for you to take control of your personal needs should be added.

Then get up, go out, and complete one of those tasks. It will be worth it immediately, and it will prevent you from procrastinating. Get it done, and reap the benefits!


Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.

Compassionate Parenting: Meeting needs - Part 2

When your needs are met it is easier to meet your child's needs, too.



What needs -- yours and your child's -- aren't currently being met as well as you would like?


Make a list of doable, inexpensive strategies that could fulfill each of these needs, and this week do at least one thing to meet each of them.
From my e-mail subscription to NonViolentCommunication.com

Having kids around you can be draining physically and emotionally. When you don't look after your own needs to ensure that you are prepared for your day, it can take a huge toll on you and, by proxy, your child.
 
When you are getting ready for your day, and you know you will be interacting with a variety of people, you need to ensure that your own personal needs are met. If they aren't, it can adversely affect your relationships and your mental health.
 
Personal needs, in summary, are the following:

Found on the NonViolentCommunication.com website

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The negative repercussions of meeting your own needs are numerous, not to mention the effect it will have on those around you. Each day, work towards actively and consciously meeting at least one of those needs.
 
Examples can be endless.
 
For integrity, create something beautiful to you, be it artwork or a website or even a catch phrase. Anything that you create that means a lot to you. You don't have to share it with anyone else, this is for yourself.
 
For spiritual communion, if you aren't religious, could be going for a walk in the crisp beautiful autumn air and embracing the beautiful and pure state of nature.
 
The list could go on.
 
What are ways you could meet your needs? Come up with some unique ones, and please share them!
 
Peace and serenity,
 
Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.

Compassionate Parenting: Right vs Wrong vs Who cares?

You are the editor of your thoughts.
Are you choosing thoughts about who is right and who is wrong and spending valuable time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming and criticizing?


This week, focus on you and your child's needs. With this refocus, you can spend your valuable time and energy finding creative strategies to meet those needs.
Quote is from e-mail tips from NonViolentCommunication.com

Can this be used when dealing with any day-to-day interpersonal situation? Absolutely.

Who among us can say that we don't have an underlying, pervasive need to be right? I will openly confess it right now, I often feel that I'm right when discussing pretty much anything, and will sometimes verbally argue with others who I feel are wrong.

But are others truly wrong? Just because I am right, does not automatically make them wrong. There are as many perspectives on a situation as there are people involved or observing the same situation.

So when you find your own defenses firing and the need to fight, take a small breath and try to see it from another perspective. There is almost always a happy medium, and attempting to force your own way can be like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands.

Don't waste your time judging or critisizing when you could be working together towards a peaceful resolution that keeps all parties happy.

You can make that happen. You can change any situation you're put into towards a positive and helpful resolution. All you have to do is try.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.