Compassionate Parenting - Specific Statements over Vague Vents

It is important to be specific about what you want from your child.


"Would you please pick up the game you left in the living room?" is specific and doable.

"Stop being such a slob" lets your child know what label you give his/her behavior. However, it doesn't give the information s/he can use to specifically meet your needs for order.

Giving children general statements and requests give them nothing to improve on. They won’t know what it is they’ve done wrong, or what they’ve done right. Blanket statements made in frustration or under duress can make the situation worse. They won’t understand what the problem is, or how to fix it. Children, like adults, don’t like to be a source of disappointment and generally want to see those around them in positive spirits. This is difficult if they don’t know what is causing the stress or frustration, or how to improve the situation.

Consider you are at work and your supervisor tells you that you do sloppy work. How do you feel? Do you know what needs to be improved on, or do you feel personally attacked by the words? When you use non-specific criticism, the receiver will often take it as a personal attack, and that can lead to lowered self-confidence and feelings of insufficiency. Consider instead that your supervisor tells you that your filing system is difficult to understand and he or she has a hard time finding files that you have put away. Now you know what the problem is and how it’s affecting those you are working with. You have something specific that needs improvement, and you will be able to take specific steps to improve the situation.

Open and honest communication is an essential part of having a productive and beneficial relationship with those around you, and using non-specific attacks to vent your frustration will only lead to further negativity. Opt instead to speak positively and specifically about things that bother you or that you think need adjustment.

If your child is constantly leaving their toys out where you step on them or kick them accidentally, sit them down and inform them that their toys are going to get broken and end up in the garbage if they continue to leave them out. Explain that leaving toys out leads to them getting kicked under couches, or stepped on, which leads to them being lost or broken. This will let them know that there is a direct natural consequence to leaving their belongings out on the floor, as well as informing them that it is dangerous for those who use the area.

Taking the time to be specific about your complaints instead of tossing out broad, general, and sometimes harsh complaints will lead to improved communication in your daily interactions and more open relationships with those around you. People will feel more able to talk to you without worrying about being bombarded with harsh personal attacks or non-specific venting that they may take personally. They will be able to take you at your word, and be able to understand what you are trying to tell them. They will also be more likely to improve their own communication skills as they will mimic that which affects them positively.

You are the master of your own words, so make each and every one of them count towards improving your situation, and by default the situation of those around you. Positive, effective communication is possible, one conversation at a time.

Compassionate Parenting: Listen and understand

Children, like all of us, need to be heard and understood.

Next time you hear yourself telling your child how s/he should be feeling or what s/he should be thinking or doing, stop and listen to what your child has to say.

When you go through life and come across something challenging or emotionally provoking, do you find it helpful when those around you try to tell you how to get through it? Say you just had a child, and people come up to you while you’re out for a walk with your baby and start telling you to breastfeed/not to breastfeed, to swaddle them/not to swaddle them, to feed on demand/to feed on a schedule. How do you react?

Each person will experience their lives in a different way. The way that I decide to solve a problem, or grieve loss, will be different from the way my neighbour, mother, aunt, coworker deal with that same situation. There is no one right way to deal with a situation, whether positive or negative.

What there is in each situation is the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Take any situation, a promotion or a layoff, child birth or miscarriage, good meal or gross meal, and there is something that you can learn in how to deal with similar situations in the future.

So telling a child that they ‘shouldn’t be upset’ because they fell and hurt their feelings/bum/knees will not help them learn how to deal with the next fall they experience. Saying that your son/daughter ‘should be happy’ that daycare is over because they get to come home will not make it easier for them to cope with that separation.

Telling people how to think repeatedly, especially as they are just developing problem-solving skills and analytical thinking, will be more of a detriment to them, because they will not learn that they can have faith in their own emotions. They will depend on others to tell them how to feel about every little thing.

Instead of telling other how to feel, or how you would feel in that situation, start asking them how they feel. Listen to what they say, and try to see things from their perspective. Forcing your thoughts and opinions onto them when they're going through a time of change, be it positive or negative, is a surefire way to alienate them when what they need is someone close.

When you go through a hard time, or a big change, or just a disappointment, you don't want to hear from others who will tell you how you should be feeling. You will likely want someone to listen to you and to hear what you're saying. To provide beneficial input that incorporates what you feel as well as how they would deal with it in your situation. But your feelings and emotions and fears need to be validated.

Each and every one of us as humans have an inate need and want to be heard and understood. To be able to talk and have others actually listen to what we have to say. Children are no exception, and neither is the cranky woman next door (or grumpy uncle, or crabby cashier). They all want to have their worries, thoughts, emotions, and happinesses heard and understood.

What you send out will come back to you, so when you're waiting in line at the grocery store, or you run into your cranky neighbour, or your child is having a fit, stop and listen to what they actually have to say. You may be amazed at what they say, you may even be able to do something right then and there to help them out.

All it takes is for you to stop and listen. The rest will come naturally.

Compassionate Parenting: Receiving Gifts

For children to become givers they need to practice developing their giving skills; which means parents (and other adults) need to practice receiving.


At least once a day this week, acknowledge a gift your child is trying to give and receive it with genuine gratitude.


Receiving gifts can be a challenge for those who are under the impression that they have to earn everything that they have. This is not fact. Life and compassion depend on the exchange of gifts on occasion, both for interpersonal connections as well as personal feelings of self-worth.

Consider: if no one ever gave you anything as a gift, and you had to work your butt off for everything in your life, how would you feel when those around you are receiving gifts from those around them? Chances are, you would feel anger, resentment, frustration, and you would start to wonder why you did not receive anything. It is a normal response.

So accepting gifts, even if you don't believe you deserve them, is a good idea. Because chances are that you do deserve it. You go through life, you work hard towards your goals in life, you provide your family and children what you can, and therefore you do deserve a little treat every now and then.

Teaching your children and others around you, that giving gifts is a good thing for society and cooperation, you will need to show them both how to accept gifts graciously and how to give gifts properly.

Accepting gifts with a proper attitude can make all the difference in how others will perceive you. So if you receive a gift and look at it in dismay, the giver is likely to think you ungrateful for a gift that they put time and effort into. Even if the gift is not what you expected, you should always make sure that the giver is aware that you appreciate the thought they put into you and the fact that they did consider you in their personal lives.

By teaching through actions how to receive gifts, you show your child in a way that words could never describe. When your child gives you a gift, even if it is a drawing that you consider to be terrible, be grateful and show gratitude towards them for considering you for such a gift, particularly if it is something that was made by them. This skill is a challenge sometimes, but it can make all the difference in how they learn to accept gifts from others.

Learning and teaching through actions will also teach those around you that actions DO speak louder than words, and they will begin to learn and consider their own actions and how it reflects their words.

Peace and serenity,

Laura

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Compassionate Parenting: Communication

To encourage more connection and heartfelt co-operation between you and your child, communication needs to be a two-way street.

In the coming week, notice the flow of communication between you and your child. Is it one-way or two-way? Are you doing most of the talking? Do you notice that sometimes your child isn't even listening?

Communication is a two-way street. I remember hearing that as far back as I can remember. Many years ago, my parents were trying to get some information out of me that I did not feel like sharing. What the subject was is now irrelevant, especially since I can’t remember, but feeling intimidated into speaking I remember. I have a better and more heartfelt connection with my parents now than I have since I was very young. I can communicate with them, and have conversations with them as an equal. It is very empowering to feel this way.

As a child, you already know that you are smaller than adults, and that you have more expectations that you feel are unfair. To also be spoken to and talked down to as a lesser being just makes the situation worse. I’m not saying that every parent talks down to their children, because that is obviously not true. I am merely suggesting that those who do choose to talk down to their children ‘because they’re children’ should reconsider their line of thought.

When you were younger and your mother or father would nag at you to clean your room, do your homework, be nice to your grandmother, etc did you really want to follow these rules? Or did you just ‘yeah yeah’ and continue with your day? Personally, I didn’t really listen to the words that came out of my mother’s mouth when she was droning, because it didn’t feel like she was actually talking to me. It felt like she was just talking for the sake of talking, and she wasn’t trying to engage in a conversation. Probably because she wasn’t.

Don’t take me for a fool, I love my mother and I know that she did exactly as she thought was right. I’m proud of who I’ve grown into, and I know that I can thank her for a decent portion of it. My level of self-worth may or may not have been affected by the nagging tone I got from her, but let me assure you that I’ve heard the nag from a fairly high percentage of my family members. They nag because they care. But do you want to make others feel the way you do when someone nags at you?

If you want your child, or your friends, or your family, to listen to your point of view then you will need to engage them. Get a conversation going, and turn the subject onto the matter you want to express. Discuss the pro’s and con’s. Maybe it will seem stupid to have a conversation about why your child’s room should be kept clean, because it’s obvious to you. But it isn’t obvious to them. They are young, and they don’t know the rules of life, it is your responsibility to teach them. So teach, discuss, inform. Don’t demand without explaining the why, they’ll never retain the information this way.

The same goes for others in your life, whether they are your age, older or younger, because everyone deserves to feel included. Everyone deserves to feel that they have a say, and everyone deserves to understand why certain things are expected of them.

Open the lines of communication, and relish in the new depths that your relationships with achieve. Others will feel valued around you, and they will want to spend more time with you. Your children will feel important and worthy of your attention because you take the time to express yourself. Your time now is worth more to their future than you could ever imagine. So take the time.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

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