Hope you all enjoyed Earth Hour! I spent it relaxing on the couch with my better half. How did you spend yours?
On to today's regularly scheduled piece on compassionate parenting and how it relates to the real world. Today, we revisit the concept on gifts, and how the receiver holds a key part in successful gift giving of any type.
Contributing to the well-being of others is a fundamental need, for children as much as for you.
When parents recognize and receive the gifts children have to offer, they inspire children's natural desire to give.
Having an appropriate response to gifts is a very important habit and reaction tot each by example to both children and other adults in your life. If they see you respond positively and honestly to gifts and offerings, they are significantly more likely to try to emulate that reaction themselves. This is because experiencing the full extent of gift-giving lies not only in the ability to give a gift, but also in the reaction of the receiver.
When you are super excited about a gift that you either purchased or made for someone, that excitement can be severely dampened by their reaction. If they react negatively or neutrally, you may feel that you have done something wrong, or possibly even insulted them. This will affect your confidence when it comes to thinking of and giving gifts, as you may start to feel that your gifts are not good enough or that they are unwanted. Not a good feeling at all!
While we’re on the subject of gifts, keep in mind that not all gifts are tangible items that you can hold in your hands. The greatest gift that I received this Christmas was having a happy and positive experience with my family at our dinner on Boxing Day. This was provided by each and every one of my family members in attendance (and that amounts to over twenty people!) but it was a great experience, lots of fond memories, and good feelings all around. Children can gift non-tangible gifts every day, such as inviting you to help them, or telling you a story (either about their day or that they made up.)
My daughter LOVES to tell me stories about all sorts of things. Sometimes it’s about dreams that she has, and sometimes it’s about something fun that happened at school. When she is telling me a story, I do my best to listen in and involve myself into her story by asking questions about details and being fascinated by the imagination that her little 6-year-old brain showcases. I make sure that she understands and sees that I am very interested in what she is saying, and she enjoys telling me stories because of this. This is an example of a great gift that my child brings to my life, and I recognize and receive it by using actions to show her that I am thankful and happy to receive this gift.
It is all too easy to half-listen and not really take any interest in the small gifts that are given to you each and every day. But these gifts are essential to our emotional well-being as well as the well-being of those who are giving us these gifts. When we acknowledge and receive these gifts positively, they are more likely to continue to come in. This will not only make you as the receiver feel good, for being the honoured receiver of these gifts, but they will make the giver of the gifts feel both appreciated and listened to. And that is a feeling that does not erase itself easily.
Showing posts with label Compassionate Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Compassionate Parenting. Show all posts
Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Integrity
Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty
When an individual can stay true to their own moral code in actions and words is something that will affect whether or not they can feel satisfied in life. It will affect their self-worth and damage the opinion that others may have in them.
When how a person acts is not parallel and congruent with how they feel or a moral or ethical level, the feelings of guilt, unhappiness, or resentfulness towards those whose actions are congruent with their morals and ethics can be overwhelming. The individual may feel that their life has little to no meaning, based on the fact that their actions are not portraying anything close to how they may feel on a given subject.
By being true to their own values and principles, an individual will find that it becomes easier to reach for and attain new goals that are based on their morals. The sense of honesty and belief in their own thoughts and emotions will be validated and strengthened by the fact that they know they live their life acting based on their thoughts and morals.
When a person is able to follow their own beliefs, by they moral, ethical or spiritual, through their actions as well as their words, they will have a very distinct feeling of trust and faith in themselves. It can be incredibly satisfying and fulfilling to know that words reflect actions, and vice versa. Integrity provides the individual with a distinct feeling of authenticity which will show outwardly in their behaviours and self-satisfaction.
The individual’s moral character will be more easily seen and accepted when their actions reflect their principles. Others will see their honesty and truthfulness and they will react positively to it or at least know that they will be able to trust that individual’s words and morality.
Compassionate Parenting - Specific Statements over Vague Vents
It is important to be specific about what you want from your child.
"Would you please pick up the game you left in the living room?" is specific and doable.
"Stop being such a slob" lets your child know what label you give his/her behavior. However, it doesn't give the information s/he can use to specifically meet your needs for order.
Giving children general statements and requests give them nothing to improve on. They won’t know what it is they’ve done wrong, or what they’ve done right. Blanket statements made in frustration or under duress can make the situation worse. They won’t understand what the problem is, or how to fix it. Children, like adults, don’t like to be a source of disappointment and generally want to see those around them in positive spirits. This is difficult if they don’t know what is causing the stress or frustration, or how to improve the situation.
Consider you are at work and your supervisor tells you that you do sloppy work. How do you feel? Do you know what needs to be improved on, or do you feel personally attacked by the words? When you use non-specific criticism, the receiver will often take it as a personal attack, and that can lead to lowered self-confidence and feelings of insufficiency. Consider instead that your supervisor tells you that your filing system is difficult to understand and he or she has a hard time finding files that you have put away. Now you know what the problem is and how it’s affecting those you are working with. You have something specific that needs improvement, and you will be able to take specific steps to improve the situation.
Open and honest communication is an essential part of having a productive and beneficial relationship with those around you, and using non-specific attacks to vent your frustration will only lead to further negativity. Opt instead to speak positively and specifically about things that bother you or that you think need adjustment.
If your child is constantly leaving their toys out where you step on them or kick them accidentally, sit them down and inform them that their toys are going to get broken and end up in the garbage if they continue to leave them out. Explain that leaving toys out leads to them getting kicked under couches, or stepped on, which leads to them being lost or broken. This will let them know that there is a direct natural consequence to leaving their belongings out on the floor, as well as informing them that it is dangerous for those who use the area.
Taking the time to be specific about your complaints instead of tossing out broad, general, and sometimes harsh complaints will lead to improved communication in your daily interactions and more open relationships with those around you. People will feel more able to talk to you without worrying about being bombarded with harsh personal attacks or non-specific venting that they may take personally. They will be able to take you at your word, and be able to understand what you are trying to tell them. They will also be more likely to improve their own communication skills as they will mimic that which affects them positively.
You are the master of your own words, so make each and every one of them count towards improving your situation, and by default the situation of those around you. Positive, effective communication is possible, one conversation at a time.
"Would you please pick up the game you left in the living room?" is specific and doable.
"Stop being such a slob" lets your child know what label you give his/her behavior. However, it doesn't give the information s/he can use to specifically meet your needs for order.
Giving children general statements and requests give them nothing to improve on. They won’t know what it is they’ve done wrong, or what they’ve done right. Blanket statements made in frustration or under duress can make the situation worse. They won’t understand what the problem is, or how to fix it. Children, like adults, don’t like to be a source of disappointment and generally want to see those around them in positive spirits. This is difficult if they don’t know what is causing the stress or frustration, or how to improve the situation.
Consider you are at work and your supervisor tells you that you do sloppy work. How do you feel? Do you know what needs to be improved on, or do you feel personally attacked by the words? When you use non-specific criticism, the receiver will often take it as a personal attack, and that can lead to lowered self-confidence and feelings of insufficiency. Consider instead that your supervisor tells you that your filing system is difficult to understand and he or she has a hard time finding files that you have put away. Now you know what the problem is and how it’s affecting those you are working with. You have something specific that needs improvement, and you will be able to take specific steps to improve the situation.
Open and honest communication is an essential part of having a productive and beneficial relationship with those around you, and using non-specific attacks to vent your frustration will only lead to further negativity. Opt instead to speak positively and specifically about things that bother you or that you think need adjustment.
If your child is constantly leaving their toys out where you step on them or kick them accidentally, sit them down and inform them that their toys are going to get broken and end up in the garbage if they continue to leave them out. Explain that leaving toys out leads to them getting kicked under couches, or stepped on, which leads to them being lost or broken. This will let them know that there is a direct natural consequence to leaving their belongings out on the floor, as well as informing them that it is dangerous for those who use the area.
Taking the time to be specific about your complaints instead of tossing out broad, general, and sometimes harsh complaints will lead to improved communication in your daily interactions and more open relationships with those around you. People will feel more able to talk to you without worrying about being bombarded with harsh personal attacks or non-specific venting that they may take personally. They will be able to take you at your word, and be able to understand what you are trying to tell them. They will also be more likely to improve their own communication skills as they will mimic that which affects them positively.
You are the master of your own words, so make each and every one of them count towards improving your situation, and by default the situation of those around you. Positive, effective communication is possible, one conversation at a time.
Compassionate Parenting: Listen and understand
Children, like all of us, need to be heard and understood.
Next time you hear yourself telling your child how s/he should be feeling or what s/he should be thinking or doing, stop and listen to what your child has to say.
When you go through life and come across something challenging or emotionally provoking, do you find it helpful when those around you try to tell you how to get through it? Say you just had a child, and people come up to you while you’re out for a walk with your baby and start telling you to breastfeed/not to breastfeed, to swaddle them/not to swaddle them, to feed on demand/to feed on a schedule. How do you react?
Each person will experience their lives in a different way. The way that I decide to solve a problem, or grieve loss, will be different from the way my neighbour, mother, aunt, coworker deal with that same situation. There is no one right way to deal with a situation, whether positive or negative.
What there is in each situation is the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Take any situation, a promotion or a layoff, child birth or miscarriage, good meal or gross meal, and there is something that you can learn in how to deal with similar situations in the future.
So telling a child that they ‘shouldn’t be upset’ because they fell and hurt their feelings/bum/knees will not help them learn how to deal with the next fall they experience. Saying that your son/daughter ‘should be happy’ that daycare is over because they get to come home will not make it easier for them to cope with that separation.
Telling people how to think repeatedly, especially as they are just developing problem-solving skills and analytical thinking, will be more of a detriment to them, because they will not learn that they can have faith in their own emotions. They will depend on others to tell them how to feel about every little thing.
Instead of telling other how to feel, or how you would feel in that situation, start asking them how they feel. Listen to what they say, and try to see things from their perspective. Forcing your thoughts and opinions onto them when they're going through a time of change, be it positive or negative, is a surefire way to alienate them when what they need is someone close.
When you go through a hard time, or a big change, or just a disappointment, you don't want to hear from others who will tell you how you should be feeling. You will likely want someone to listen to you and to hear what you're saying. To provide beneficial input that incorporates what you feel as well as how they would deal with it in your situation. But your feelings and emotions and fears need to be validated.
Each and every one of us as humans have an inate need and want to be heard and understood. To be able to talk and have others actually listen to what we have to say. Children are no exception, and neither is the cranky woman next door (or grumpy uncle, or crabby cashier). They all want to have their worries, thoughts, emotions, and happinesses heard and understood.
What you send out will come back to you, so when you're waiting in line at the grocery store, or you run into your cranky neighbour, or your child is having a fit, stop and listen to what they actually have to say. You may be amazed at what they say, you may even be able to do something right then and there to help them out.
All it takes is for you to stop and listen. The rest will come naturally.
Compassionate Parenting: Receiving Gifts
For children to become givers they need to practice developing their giving skills; which means parents (and other adults) need to practice receiving.
At least once a day this week, acknowledge a gift your child is trying to give and receive it with genuine gratitude.
Receiving gifts can be a challenge for those who are under the impression that they have to earn everything that they have. This is not fact. Life and compassion depend on the exchange of gifts on occasion, both for interpersonal connections as well as personal feelings of self-worth.
Consider: if no one ever gave you anything as a gift, and you had to work your butt off for everything in your life, how would you feel when those around you are receiving gifts from those around them? Chances are, you would feel anger, resentment, frustration, and you would start to wonder why you did not receive anything. It is a normal response.
So accepting gifts, even if you don't believe you deserve them, is a good idea. Because chances are that you do deserve it. You go through life, you work hard towards your goals in life, you provide your family and children what you can, and therefore you do deserve a little treat every now and then.
Teaching your children and others around you, that giving gifts is a good thing for society and cooperation, you will need to show them both how to accept gifts graciously and how to give gifts properly.
Accepting gifts with a proper attitude can make all the difference in how others will perceive you. So if you receive a gift and look at it in dismay, the giver is likely to think you ungrateful for a gift that they put time and effort into. Even if the gift is not what you expected, you should always make sure that the giver is aware that you appreciate the thought they put into you and the fact that they did consider you in their personal lives.
By teaching through actions how to receive gifts, you show your child in a way that words could never describe. When your child gives you a gift, even if it is a drawing that you consider to be terrible, be grateful and show gratitude towards them for considering you for such a gift, particularly if it is something that was made by them. This skill is a challenge sometimes, but it can make all the difference in how they learn to accept gifts from others.
Learning and teaching through actions will also teach those around you that actions DO speak louder than words, and they will begin to learn and consider their own actions and how it reflects their words.
Peace and serenity,
Laura
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At least once a day this week, acknowledge a gift your child is trying to give and receive it with genuine gratitude.
Receiving gifts can be a challenge for those who are under the impression that they have to earn everything that they have. This is not fact. Life and compassion depend on the exchange of gifts on occasion, both for interpersonal connections as well as personal feelings of self-worth.
Consider: if no one ever gave you anything as a gift, and you had to work your butt off for everything in your life, how would you feel when those around you are receiving gifts from those around them? Chances are, you would feel anger, resentment, frustration, and you would start to wonder why you did not receive anything. It is a normal response.
So accepting gifts, even if you don't believe you deserve them, is a good idea. Because chances are that you do deserve it. You go through life, you work hard towards your goals in life, you provide your family and children what you can, and therefore you do deserve a little treat every now and then.
Teaching your children and others around you, that giving gifts is a good thing for society and cooperation, you will need to show them both how to accept gifts graciously and how to give gifts properly.
Accepting gifts with a proper attitude can make all the difference in how others will perceive you. So if you receive a gift and look at it in dismay, the giver is likely to think you ungrateful for a gift that they put time and effort into. Even if the gift is not what you expected, you should always make sure that the giver is aware that you appreciate the thought they put into you and the fact that they did consider you in their personal lives.
By teaching through actions how to receive gifts, you show your child in a way that words could never describe. When your child gives you a gift, even if it is a drawing that you consider to be terrible, be grateful and show gratitude towards them for considering you for such a gift, particularly if it is something that was made by them. This skill is a challenge sometimes, but it can make all the difference in how they learn to accept gifts from others.
Learning and teaching through actions will also teach those around you that actions DO speak louder than words, and they will begin to learn and consider their own actions and how it reflects their words.
Peace and serenity,
Laura
Like this post? Share it with the links below, or Digg it! Thanks for your support!
Compassionate Parenting: Communication
To encourage more connection and heartfelt co-operation between you and your child, communication needs to be a two-way street.
In the coming week, notice the flow of communication between you and your child. Is it one-way or two-way? Are you doing most of the talking? Do you notice that sometimes your child isn't even listening?
Communication is a two-way street. I remember hearing that as far back as I can remember. Many years ago, my parents were trying to get some information out of me that I did not feel like sharing. What the subject was is now irrelevant, especially since I can’t remember, but feeling intimidated into speaking I remember. I have a better and more heartfelt connection with my parents now than I have since I was very young. I can communicate with them, and have conversations with them as an equal. It is very empowering to feel this way.
As a child, you already know that you are smaller than adults, and that you have more expectations that you feel are unfair. To also be spoken to and talked down to as a lesser being just makes the situation worse. I’m not saying that every parent talks down to their children, because that is obviously not true. I am merely suggesting that those who do choose to talk down to their children ‘because they’re children’ should reconsider their line of thought.
When you were younger and your mother or father would nag at you to clean your room, do your homework, be nice to your grandmother, etc did you really want to follow these rules? Or did you just ‘yeah yeah’ and continue with your day? Personally, I didn’t really listen to the words that came out of my mother’s mouth when she was droning, because it didn’t feel like she was actually talking to me. It felt like she was just talking for the sake of talking, and she wasn’t trying to engage in a conversation. Probably because she wasn’t.
Don’t take me for a fool, I love my mother and I know that she did exactly as she thought was right. I’m proud of who I’ve grown into, and I know that I can thank her for a decent portion of it. My level of self-worth may or may not have been affected by the nagging tone I got from her, but let me assure you that I’ve heard the nag from a fairly high percentage of my family members. They nag because they care. But do you want to make others feel the way you do when someone nags at you?
If you want your child, or your friends, or your family, to listen to your point of view then you will need to engage them. Get a conversation going, and turn the subject onto the matter you want to express. Discuss the pro’s and con’s. Maybe it will seem stupid to have a conversation about why your child’s room should be kept clean, because it’s obvious to you. But it isn’t obvious to them. They are young, and they don’t know the rules of life, it is your responsibility to teach them. So teach, discuss, inform. Don’t demand without explaining the why, they’ll never retain the information this way.
The same goes for others in your life, whether they are your age, older or younger, because everyone deserves to feel included. Everyone deserves to feel that they have a say, and everyone deserves to understand why certain things are expected of them.
Open the lines of communication, and relish in the new depths that your relationships with achieve. Others will feel valued around you, and they will want to spend more time with you. Your children will feel important and worthy of your attention because you take the time to express yourself. Your time now is worth more to their future than you could ever imagine. So take the time.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Celebration
Celebration: to rejoice in or have special festivities to mark a special day. To observe or commemorate with ceremonies.
By being able to celebrate and commemorate large or moving events in our own way, we learn to sort out and validate our own emotions. Rejoicing in the larger occasions and instances of life make them more memorable and they can help to create smaller celebrations.
Large celebrations
The larger celebrations, such as birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, bachelor parties, etc, create a fun and somewhat spontaneous atmosphere that helps people to relax and accept things beyond their normal routine.
Celebrating birth, birthdays, Christmas or other holidays, is a great way not only to commune with others who is also a large part of the celebration, but a wonderful way for to feel like a part of something more.
Celebrating the passing of a loved one, be it a family member, friend, or beloved pet, can also assist in the healing process. Being able to freely grieve a personal loss, or even an impersonal loss, in an individualised way can make it easier to rationalize emotions and remember the memories more fondly.
Small celebrations
Smaller celebrations can be anything that isn’t lifestyle changing, or has a very small affect on lifestyle. For example, celebrating the completion of a short story’s final draft, or being able to out-drink friends at the bar. It can even consist of smaller victories than that, such as eating a healthy meal or writing a journal entry.
Anything that marks a pebble on the path to achieving a goal, no matter how small, should be celebrated.
Celebrations do not require going out and getting hammered, or even buying a chocolate bar or trinkets. A celebration can simply be to do a little happy dance (see the lotto 649 happy dance) or doing something that normally would be saved for a larger success. Each and every success in life, and even the failures on the path to success, should be celebrated and rejoiced in
Celebration and personal freedom
The act of celebrating, for either a small or large event, allows for some personal freedom and also opens the door for conversation. It also offers the personal choice on how the event affects each person’s present and future.
Celebrating the known aspects of life, such as birth and death, allows each person to accept the unavoidable with a more pleasant and positive attitude. To accept change and celebrate it increases and solidifies the quality of self-talk as well as the level of self-worth that each person has.
Create the silver lining for each dark cloud, and they will seem more void of despair and hopelessness. Consciously choose the response to life and its events based on what type of outcome is desired.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Autonomy
Autonomy: Independence
Based on this definition, it is a fairly important emotional need that may not even be recognized as a need. The ability and willingness to have and exert personal actions or choices creates the feeling of independence.
A child who is not given any freedoms and is expected to fully conform will have no real understanding of their own ability to make decisions. As the child becomes a teenager, they will be thrust into a world where they must make their own decisions and are expected to be able to make educated choices. If this child has not learned through action how to make educated decisions, and then how to act upon them, how can that child be expected to succeed?
Assisted autonomy in other adults
Allow those around you to make their own decisions and choose their own methods for their actions and behaviours. Trust in them to make decisions, and if that doesn’t end well ensure that the issues that arose are discussed. That way they learn from the experience and will be more capable of making an informed choice the next time it comes up.
By discussing the issues that arise when complications with someone else’s, or your own, decision, you open the door for constructive assistance and avoid judgment. The other person will be more capable of trusting your judgment and will be less afraid to make mistakes knowing that someone will be there to help them.
Assisted autonomy in children
In a child, the ability to have a choice in a matter is of utmost importance. They relish in being able to choose between wearing the red or green shirt, in being able to decide if they want cheese or no cheese in their sandwich, in being able to decide to help mom with the laundry.
They may not make the choice you would have made. Maybe you would have chosen the red shirt, but they want to wear the green one. Regardless of whether or not it clashes with their pants, that shirt is the one they chose. If you take back your word now and tell them they must wear the red shirt, they will feel defeated and helpless. The child may feel that their choice was not good enough, or that they are unworthy of making their own decisions.
Once the child makes their choice, let them follow it through. If it doesn’t end well, don’t be there just to shake your finger and tell them “I told you so” because that will not help them. If it doesn’t end well, be there to tell them that it is okay to make mistakes, and that it is okay to try something different. Because it is okay to make mistakes and try something different. That is how we as humans learn.
Small victories lead to bigger goals
The faith in oneself to make a decision, see it through, and then assess the results will invariably lead to the faith to then make bigger decisions. Bigger decisions that can be goals, either short- or long-term, that are essential to testing ones own limits and deepening the sense of self-confidence and self-trust.
The capability to create realistic goals that bolster and solidify self-confidence comes in having the confidence to make decisions. If a person can not honestly believe in themselves to make smaller decisions that will not affect their current lifestyle or future, how can they be expected to have the confidence to make goals or have dreams that can affect their current lifestyle or future?
Creating goals and having dreams is also essential to developing strong and positive personal and ethical values. Sticking to values if you have no confidence in your own choices and decisions can be virtually impossible, and can destroy the feeling of integrity. It is a downward spiral that can easily be stopped in childhood, and challenging but possible to stop into adulthood.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Time In
Feelings are messengers of met and unmet needs.
Next time you are feeling anxious or upset, take a Time In -- close your eyes and acknowledge the feelings that are arising in you. Identify them and listen quietly for the need behind them.
When you know what the need(s) is (are), don't rush to determine what to do about it. Be patient. A strategy is likely to come to mind without effort.
This quote doesn't even mention children or parenting, because it applies to everyone. Everyone feels emotions, and sometimes they can be overwhelming. When you take a Time In and assess the feelings and the needs behind them, you can acheive a small level of control and feel as though you are not just letting everything out.
I will be going over the individual emotional needs experienced and required for each and every person in the near future, but for a quick refresher you can find the chart on my previous Compassionate Parenting post about meeting needs.
Taking a time in
This can be incredibly challenging, regardless of your family situation because people are raised these days to think that taking any time for yourself is selfish. I am here to tell you that it is the opposite of selfish.
You may have heard the quote "Before you can truly love somebody, you must learn to love yourself." Or at least some paraphrasing or off-shoot of that. It's true. If you can not find it in yourself to care and love your own person, you will be very hard-pressed to find the capability to love someone else.
Take time to yourself, a time in as it were, to learn more about yourself. Use this time, even if it's only five minutes, to familiarize yourself with your feelings and your wants. Your needs. Make a list of things you want to accomplish for yourself and for each one write a little blurb on a few ways you can achieve it.
It is not selfish to take care of your own needs
If your needs are unmet, you can feel angry, embarrassed, frustrated, lonely, nervous, sad, and even puzzled. This is only the tip of the iceberg of then negative feelings you will get when your needs are not fulfilled.
Not only this, but because of the negative feelings that will begin to overwhelm your mind and body you will be less and less capable of taking care of the needs of those around you. It will be a constant downward spiral until you make it stop.
Methods
A few things you can do when life gets overwhelming are as follows:
• Listen to a favourite song
• Write a poem
• Punch pillows
• Take a bubble (or no-bubble) bath
• Have a shower
• Drink a cup of herbal tea
• Go for a walk in your neighbourhood
• Smell some flowers
• Read a page or two of a book
The list goes on. Whatever helps you or your child to calm down inside while acknowledging that there are overwhelming feelings there will work wonders.
Accept that there are some things you can not change. You can not stop the earth from turning, and you can not stop a child from being energetic. Use these unchangeable situations to create something positive and magical.
Wait for a strategy
Now that your mind has been put a little bit to ease, relax in a comfortable chair and let your thoughts wander. Focus on one need that is not being fulfilled, and consider the different possibilities of why it is being left behind.
Think of the little and big things that are affecting that need being met. Create and imagine a few steps to work towards eliminating the emotional and physical roadblocks of that need being met.
Let your mind wander and solutions will come. Don’t be afraid of them, or try to shoot them down as they come. Just write down each idea as it comes to you, no matter how strange or obtuse it seems. You can worry about filtering out unrealistic ones after. Just allow your mind to do its work and don’t try to restrain it.
Once your mind has thrown out all the ideas that it can come up with in that moment, it’s time to let the list sit for a moment. Go make a cup of coffee or tea, take a little walk, and just step away from the list for a minimum of two minutes.
When you come back, you will have cleared your mind again, and you can take up the task of rereading your list. Cross out the ideas that truly can not be completed and put asterisks beside the ones you aren’t sure about. The ones you are sure can be completed with minimal effort or strain should be done first, as they will be the easiest and will yield the quickest response on your needs.
Write out any additional information for the ideas that you plan on completing, any little notes to yourself that you want to emphasize, or particular people you’d like to speak with regarding this. Anything that will make it easier for you to take control of your personal needs should be added.
Then get up, go out, and complete one of those tasks. It will be worth it immediately, and it will prevent you from procrastinating. Get it done, and reap the benefits!
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Next time you are feeling anxious or upset, take a Time In -- close your eyes and acknowledge the feelings that are arising in you. Identify them and listen quietly for the need behind them.
When you know what the need(s) is (are), don't rush to determine what to do about it. Be patient. A strategy is likely to come to mind without effort.
This quote doesn't even mention children or parenting, because it applies to everyone. Everyone feels emotions, and sometimes they can be overwhelming. When you take a Time In and assess the feelings and the needs behind them, you can acheive a small level of control and feel as though you are not just letting everything out.
I will be going over the individual emotional needs experienced and required for each and every person in the near future, but for a quick refresher you can find the chart on my previous Compassionate Parenting post about meeting needs.
Taking a time in
This can be incredibly challenging, regardless of your family situation because people are raised these days to think that taking any time for yourself is selfish. I am here to tell you that it is the opposite of selfish.
You may have heard the quote "Before you can truly love somebody, you must learn to love yourself." Or at least some paraphrasing or off-shoot of that. It's true. If you can not find it in yourself to care and love your own person, you will be very hard-pressed to find the capability to love someone else.
Take time to yourself, a time in as it were, to learn more about yourself. Use this time, even if it's only five minutes, to familiarize yourself with your feelings and your wants. Your needs. Make a list of things you want to accomplish for yourself and for each one write a little blurb on a few ways you can achieve it.
It is not selfish to take care of your own needs
If your needs are unmet, you can feel angry, embarrassed, frustrated, lonely, nervous, sad, and even puzzled. This is only the tip of the iceberg of then negative feelings you will get when your needs are not fulfilled.
Not only this, but because of the negative feelings that will begin to overwhelm your mind and body you will be less and less capable of taking care of the needs of those around you. It will be a constant downward spiral until you make it stop.
Methods
A few things you can do when life gets overwhelming are as follows:
• Listen to a favourite song
• Write a poem
• Punch pillows
• Take a bubble (or no-bubble) bath
• Have a shower
• Drink a cup of herbal tea
• Go for a walk in your neighbourhood
• Smell some flowers
• Read a page or two of a book
The list goes on. Whatever helps you or your child to calm down inside while acknowledging that there are overwhelming feelings there will work wonders.
Accept that there are some things you can not change. You can not stop the earth from turning, and you can not stop a child from being energetic. Use these unchangeable situations to create something positive and magical.
Wait for a strategy
Now that your mind has been put a little bit to ease, relax in a comfortable chair and let your thoughts wander. Focus on one need that is not being fulfilled, and consider the different possibilities of why it is being left behind.
Think of the little and big things that are affecting that need being met. Create and imagine a few steps to work towards eliminating the emotional and physical roadblocks of that need being met.
Let your mind wander and solutions will come. Don’t be afraid of them, or try to shoot them down as they come. Just write down each idea as it comes to you, no matter how strange or obtuse it seems. You can worry about filtering out unrealistic ones after. Just allow your mind to do its work and don’t try to restrain it.
Once your mind has thrown out all the ideas that it can come up with in that moment, it’s time to let the list sit for a moment. Go make a cup of coffee or tea, take a little walk, and just step away from the list for a minimum of two minutes.
When you come back, you will have cleared your mind again, and you can take up the task of rereading your list. Cross out the ideas that truly can not be completed and put asterisks beside the ones you aren’t sure about. The ones you are sure can be completed with minimal effort or strain should be done first, as they will be the easiest and will yield the quickest response on your needs.
Write out any additional information for the ideas that you plan on completing, any little notes to yourself that you want to emphasize, or particular people you’d like to speak with regarding this. Anything that will make it easier for you to take control of your personal needs should be added.
Then get up, go out, and complete one of those tasks. It will be worth it immediately, and it will prevent you from procrastinating. Get it done, and reap the benefits!
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Meeting needs - Part 2
When your needs are met it is easier to meet your child's needs, too.
What needs -- yours and your child's -- aren't currently being met as well as you would like?
Make a list of doable, inexpensive strategies that could fulfill each of these needs, and this week do at least one thing to meet each of them.
From my e-mail subscription to NonViolentCommunication.com
Having kids around you can be draining physically and emotionally. When you don't look after your own needs to ensure that you are prepared for your day, it can take a huge toll on you and, by proxy, your child.
When you are getting ready for your day, and you know you will be interacting with a variety of people, you need to ensure that your own personal needs are met. If they aren't, it can adversely affect your relationships and your mental health.
Personal needs, in summary, are the following:
The negative repercussions of meeting your own needs are numerous, not to mention the effect it will have on those around you. Each day, work towards actively and consciously meeting at least one of those needs.
Examples can be endless.
For integrity, create something beautiful to you, be it artwork or a website or even a catch phrase. Anything that you create that means a lot to you. You don't have to share it with anyone else, this is for yourself.
For spiritual communion, if you aren't religious, could be going for a walk in the crisp beautiful autumn air and embracing the beautiful and pure state of nature.
The list could go on.
What are ways you could meet your needs? Come up with some unique ones, and please share them!
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
What needs -- yours and your child's -- aren't currently being met as well as you would like?
Make a list of doable, inexpensive strategies that could fulfill each of these needs, and this week do at least one thing to meet each of them.
From my e-mail subscription to NonViolentCommunication.com
Having kids around you can be draining physically and emotionally. When you don't look after your own needs to ensure that you are prepared for your day, it can take a huge toll on you and, by proxy, your child.
When you are getting ready for your day, and you know you will be interacting with a variety of people, you need to ensure that your own personal needs are met. If they aren't, it can adversely affect your relationships and your mental health.
Personal needs, in summary, are the following:
 |
| Found on the NonViolentCommunication.com website |
The negative repercussions of meeting your own needs are numerous, not to mention the effect it will have on those around you. Each day, work towards actively and consciously meeting at least one of those needs.
Examples can be endless.
For integrity, create something beautiful to you, be it artwork or a website or even a catch phrase. Anything that you create that means a lot to you. You don't have to share it with anyone else, this is for yourself.
For spiritual communion, if you aren't religious, could be going for a walk in the crisp beautiful autumn air and embracing the beautiful and pure state of nature.
The list could go on.
What are ways you could meet your needs? Come up with some unique ones, and please share them!
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Meeting needs - Part 1
All people (that includes you and your kids) are always doing their best to meet their needs.
Think of an incident with your child that didn't go well. What did your child do? What need was s/he trying to meet? What did you do? What need were you trying to meet by doing what you did?
Quote is from my e-mail subscription to NonViolentCommunication.com
This week focuses on meeting needs. Misbehaviour in children is oftentimes just a way for them to express themselves. They don't understand societal or personal rules because they just haven't experienced them often enough. Not to mention that people often do not take the time to explain any rules to children, they just say "because I said so" and call it good.
Because I said so is the WORST excuse you can use to get your child to respect your rules and decisions. It shows that you don't have a valid reason, or that you don't respect them enough to explain anything to them. Children are "why" machines. They need to know why something is important. How can they make their own assumptions and inflections on rules and pressures if they don't actually understand them?
Not meeting needs and expecting others to fall to their feet to meet yours is something that people learn and do right into adulthood. Is it fair to others to not listen to their own needs while expecting yours to be fulfilled? Can you think of a poor experience recently with another person that ended badly? I'm sure it has happened, no matter how compassionate you are, everyone makes mistakes.
Remember that others have needs to, so try to meet in the middle.
Here is something that happened the other day with my family. My wife (W), daughter (Em), and a kid we babysit (Z).
W and I were heading out the door to pick up the kids and grab some groceries we needed for dinner. It was an emergency grocery run, as we hadn't made it to the store earlier in the week to pick up our usual fruits and vegetables. W asked me if I wanted to get dropped off at the daycare then walk home, and she would go to the store and get the groceries. I decided that we should all go along, in hindsight a poor decision. Em and Z were very excited and energetic, and were not listening at all. They were hitting the price signs and running all over, nearly running into other shoppers all the while. I tried many times to explain to them that what they were doing was unacceptable, and they needed to calm down. They didn't. We finally made it to the cashier and finished our shopping. On our way out the door, W snapped at the kids because she had enough, they were being disrespectful to both W and I, and it was enough. Harsh words were said, and the behaviour did not change all that much. We finally made it home, and W decided that she had a long enough day (she had a very rough day at work) and that she was going to lie down for a bit.
So, what needs was Em trying to meet (and Z, for that matter)?
Do you have an example of an incident (either with another adult or a child) that didn't go well? Analyze it. Break it down. Figure out what possible sources of issues were, and see if you can create a compromise. Just because that one situation has passed doesn't mean that there won't be more that may arise. Deal with it ahead of time, and predict issues.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
(this post is a part of November's blog carnival against child abuse)
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Think of an incident with your child that didn't go well. What did your child do? What need was s/he trying to meet? What did you do? What need were you trying to meet by doing what you did?
Quote is from my e-mail subscription to NonViolentCommunication.com
This week focuses on meeting needs. Misbehaviour in children is oftentimes just a way for them to express themselves. They don't understand societal or personal rules because they just haven't experienced them often enough. Not to mention that people often do not take the time to explain any rules to children, they just say "because I said so" and call it good.
Because I said so is the WORST excuse you can use to get your child to respect your rules and decisions. It shows that you don't have a valid reason, or that you don't respect them enough to explain anything to them. Children are "why" machines. They need to know why something is important. How can they make their own assumptions and inflections on rules and pressures if they don't actually understand them?
Not meeting needs and expecting others to fall to their feet to meet yours is something that people learn and do right into adulthood. Is it fair to others to not listen to their own needs while expecting yours to be fulfilled? Can you think of a poor experience recently with another person that ended badly? I'm sure it has happened, no matter how compassionate you are, everyone makes mistakes.
Remember that others have needs to, so try to meet in the middle.
Here is something that happened the other day with my family. My wife (W), daughter (Em), and a kid we babysit (Z).
W and I were heading out the door to pick up the kids and grab some groceries we needed for dinner. It was an emergency grocery run, as we hadn't made it to the store earlier in the week to pick up our usual fruits and vegetables. W asked me if I wanted to get dropped off at the daycare then walk home, and she would go to the store and get the groceries. I decided that we should all go along, in hindsight a poor decision. Em and Z were very excited and energetic, and were not listening at all. They were hitting the price signs and running all over, nearly running into other shoppers all the while. I tried many times to explain to them that what they were doing was unacceptable, and they needed to calm down. They didn't. We finally made it to the cashier and finished our shopping. On our way out the door, W snapped at the kids because she had enough, they were being disrespectful to both W and I, and it was enough. Harsh words were said, and the behaviour did not change all that much. We finally made it home, and W decided that she had a long enough day (she had a very rough day at work) and that she was going to lie down for a bit.
So, what needs was Em trying to meet (and Z, for that matter)?
- She had just gotten picked up from daycare, and so was excited to go home and play. Instead of being able to go play (as we usually did) she was dragged along to the grocery store where she wasn't allowed to do anything. This did not match her needs.
- She also wanted to be moving and expressing herself through her actions, and probably felt that she was being held back and contrained. She wasn't given enough time to understand what was going on and why her routine was being thrown out of whack, she was just thrust into the situation and expected to handle it.
- I wanted some interdependance, and wanted to be able to get responsibilities done (grocery shopping) and still spend time with W and Em
- I wanted to get the shopping done quickly so that we could go home, and didn't give the kids enough time to process the change in routine.
- I wanted the kids to listen to me when I explained things to them, and respect me.
- I particularly want to ensure that my daughter knows that she is loved and respected, and that she can express her feelings and needs to me whenever she may need it. I want her to forgive me even though she doesn't act as though she remembers what happened.
Do you have an example of an incident (either with another adult or a child) that didn't go well? Analyze it. Break it down. Figure out what possible sources of issues were, and see if you can create a compromise. Just because that one situation has passed doesn't mean that there won't be more that may arise. Deal with it ahead of time, and predict issues.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
(this post is a part of November's blog carnival against child abuse)
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Resolving problems by encouraging independance
One of the actions you can choose that will ensure more co-operation than conflict in your home is to encourage your children to think things through for themselves and make their own choices.
Next time you are tempted to solve a problem your child is having, ask your child what his/her ideas are about how to solve it.
Each week I get a new tip in my e-mail from NonViolentCommunication.com, and each week when I read it I try to see the correlation between parent and child, and between other people. So far, each tip has been able to be related to both children and adults.
Which really does make sense, because children are just small adults, waiting to shine and trying to grow.
So how can we help children and adults grow? By nurturing them, treating them as equals, and letting them make their own mistakes about life. No one will learn a task the same way that you have, and that is perfectly alright. Each person needs to try things their own way to find their personal preferences and abilities to complete it.
Allowing others to try things their way when it's regarding something that you may be involved in can be a challenge. Even more so if you allow yourself to think that your method of doing things is better than anyone elses. Instead of trying to push someone towards the method or answer that you want, try instead to ensure that they have any and all the information required to make a truly educated decision.
Not only will this help them grow in terms of gaining abilities on how to do things, it will also grow the co-operativeness between the two of you, and it will allow the other person to be able to trust you to help without interfering.
The best gift you can give someone is the gift of your time with no strings attached.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Next time you are tempted to solve a problem your child is having, ask your child what his/her ideas are about how to solve it.
Each week I get a new tip in my e-mail from NonViolentCommunication.com, and each week when I read it I try to see the correlation between parent and child, and between other people. So far, each tip has been able to be related to both children and adults.
Which really does make sense, because children are just small adults, waiting to shine and trying to grow.
So how can we help children and adults grow? By nurturing them, treating them as equals, and letting them make their own mistakes about life. No one will learn a task the same way that you have, and that is perfectly alright. Each person needs to try things their own way to find their personal preferences and abilities to complete it.
Allowing others to try things their way when it's regarding something that you may be involved in can be a challenge. Even more so if you allow yourself to think that your method of doing things is better than anyone elses. Instead of trying to push someone towards the method or answer that you want, try instead to ensure that they have any and all the information required to make a truly educated decision.
Not only will this help them grow in terms of gaining abilities on how to do things, it will also grow the co-operativeness between the two of you, and it will allow the other person to be able to trust you to help without interfering.
The best gift you can give someone is the gift of your time with no strings attached.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Right vs Wrong vs Who cares?
You are the editor of your thoughts.
Are you choosing thoughts about who is right and who is wrong and spending valuable time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming and criticizing?
This week, focus on you and your child's needs. With this refocus, you can spend your valuable time and energy finding creative strategies to meet those needs.
Quote is from e-mail tips from NonViolentCommunication.com
Can this be used when dealing with any day-to-day interpersonal situation? Absolutely.
Who among us can say that we don't have an underlying, pervasive need to be right? I will openly confess it right now, I often feel that I'm right when discussing pretty much anything, and will sometimes verbally argue with others who I feel are wrong.
But are others truly wrong? Just because I am right, does not automatically make them wrong. There are as many perspectives on a situation as there are people involved or observing the same situation.
So when you find your own defenses firing and the need to fight, take a small breath and try to see it from another perspective. There is almost always a happy medium, and attempting to force your own way can be like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands.
Don't waste your time judging or critisizing when you could be working together towards a peaceful resolution that keeps all parties happy.
You can make that happen. You can change any situation you're put into towards a positive and helpful resolution. All you have to do is try.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Are you choosing thoughts about who is right and who is wrong and spending valuable time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming and criticizing?
This week, focus on you and your child's needs. With this refocus, you can spend your valuable time and energy finding creative strategies to meet those needs.
Quote is from e-mail tips from NonViolentCommunication.com
Can this be used when dealing with any day-to-day interpersonal situation? Absolutely.
Who among us can say that we don't have an underlying, pervasive need to be right? I will openly confess it right now, I often feel that I'm right when discussing pretty much anything, and will sometimes verbally argue with others who I feel are wrong.
But are others truly wrong? Just because I am right, does not automatically make them wrong. There are as many perspectives on a situation as there are people involved or observing the same situation.
So when you find your own defenses firing and the need to fight, take a small breath and try to see it from another perspective. There is almost always a happy medium, and attempting to force your own way can be like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands.
Don't waste your time judging or critisizing when you could be working together towards a peaceful resolution that keeps all parties happy.
You can make that happen. You can change any situation you're put into towards a positive and helpful resolution. All you have to do is try.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Compassionate Parenting: Apply it to everyday life
I was doing a lot of reading yesterday, and came across a few websites and articles about compassionate parenting. Reading through them gives you that "well duh how did I not think of that??" feeling, and to be honest, made me feel like a bad and mean parent.
Not a happy feeling. But then I got to thinking...
If we can be compassionate towards our children, why can't we be compassionate towards one another?
Is it so hard to take a little bit of time out of our day to take notice and care about the feelings and emotions of those around you? Particularly those who you are close to?
When we are upset, we tend to get selfish and self centred and feel that the world is being mean to us. It's not, it's just our emotions playing games, and interpreting things wrong. Try thinking back to the last time you were angry. Take a step back and think about why you felt that way.
Say you had a fight with your significant other about dishes. Was it really about dishes, or was there something else? Were you being defensive because you don't like being argued with? I get that sometimes, I will admit it. I'll get defensive because I don't like being shown why something I've done is wrong.
But that's life. We have to do things wrong sometimes to learn. Learning is the most important we can do as humans, because it advances us and makes us pay attention to what's around.
Can you take a step back while you're upset? Not always. But if you realize after the fact, and discuss it with the person who made you upset, maybe you can find a way to keep it from happening again.
Isn't it worth a little extra effort if it makes everyone's day easier?
I'm going to try. Are you?
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
Not a happy feeling. But then I got to thinking...
If we can be compassionate towards our children, why can't we be compassionate towards one another?
Is it so hard to take a little bit of time out of our day to take notice and care about the feelings and emotions of those around you? Particularly those who you are close to?
When we are upset, we tend to get selfish and self centred and feel that the world is being mean to us. It's not, it's just our emotions playing games, and interpreting things wrong. Try thinking back to the last time you were angry. Take a step back and think about why you felt that way.
Say you had a fight with your significant other about dishes. Was it really about dishes, or was there something else? Were you being defensive because you don't like being argued with? I get that sometimes, I will admit it. I'll get defensive because I don't like being shown why something I've done is wrong.
But that's life. We have to do things wrong sometimes to learn. Learning is the most important we can do as humans, because it advances us and makes us pay attention to what's around.
Can you take a step back while you're upset? Not always. But if you realize after the fact, and discuss it with the person who made you upset, maybe you can find a way to keep it from happening again.
Isn't it worth a little extra effort if it makes everyone's day easier?
I'm going to try. Are you?
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me
Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.
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