Compassionate Parenting: Needs Explained - Integrity

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty

When an individual can stay true to their own moral code in actions and words is something that will affect whether or not they can feel satisfied in life. It will affect their self-worth and damage the opinion that others may have in them.

When how a person acts is not parallel and congruent with how they feel or a moral or ethical level, the feelings of guilt, unhappiness, or resentfulness towards those whose actions are congruent with their morals and ethics can be overwhelming. The individual may feel that their life has little to no meaning, based on the fact that their actions are not portraying anything close to how they may feel on a given subject.

By being true to their own values and principles, an individual will find that it becomes easier to reach for and attain new goals that are based on their morals. The sense of honesty and belief in their own thoughts and emotions will be validated and strengthened by the fact that they know they live their life acting based on their thoughts and morals.

When a person is able to follow their own beliefs, by they moral, ethical or spiritual, through their actions as well as their words, they will have a very distinct feeling of trust and faith in themselves. It can be incredibly satisfying and fulfilling to know that words reflect actions, and vice versa. Integrity provides the individual with a distinct feeling of authenticity which will show outwardly in their behaviours and self-satisfaction.

The individual’s moral character will be more easily seen and accepted when their actions reflect their principles. Others will see their honesty and truthfulness and they will react positively to it or at least know that they will be able to trust that individual’s words and morality.

Compassionate Parenting - Specific Statements over Vague Vents

It is important to be specific about what you want from your child.


"Would you please pick up the game you left in the living room?" is specific and doable.

"Stop being such a slob" lets your child know what label you give his/her behavior. However, it doesn't give the information s/he can use to specifically meet your needs for order.

Giving children general statements and requests give them nothing to improve on. They won’t know what it is they’ve done wrong, or what they’ve done right. Blanket statements made in frustration or under duress can make the situation worse. They won’t understand what the problem is, or how to fix it. Children, like adults, don’t like to be a source of disappointment and generally want to see those around them in positive spirits. This is difficult if they don’t know what is causing the stress or frustration, or how to improve the situation.

Consider you are at work and your supervisor tells you that you do sloppy work. How do you feel? Do you know what needs to be improved on, or do you feel personally attacked by the words? When you use non-specific criticism, the receiver will often take it as a personal attack, and that can lead to lowered self-confidence and feelings of insufficiency. Consider instead that your supervisor tells you that your filing system is difficult to understand and he or she has a hard time finding files that you have put away. Now you know what the problem is and how it’s affecting those you are working with. You have something specific that needs improvement, and you will be able to take specific steps to improve the situation.

Open and honest communication is an essential part of having a productive and beneficial relationship with those around you, and using non-specific attacks to vent your frustration will only lead to further negativity. Opt instead to speak positively and specifically about things that bother you or that you think need adjustment.

If your child is constantly leaving their toys out where you step on them or kick them accidentally, sit them down and inform them that their toys are going to get broken and end up in the garbage if they continue to leave them out. Explain that leaving toys out leads to them getting kicked under couches, or stepped on, which leads to them being lost or broken. This will let them know that there is a direct natural consequence to leaving their belongings out on the floor, as well as informing them that it is dangerous for those who use the area.

Taking the time to be specific about your complaints instead of tossing out broad, general, and sometimes harsh complaints will lead to improved communication in your daily interactions and more open relationships with those around you. People will feel more able to talk to you without worrying about being bombarded with harsh personal attacks or non-specific venting that they may take personally. They will be able to take you at your word, and be able to understand what you are trying to tell them. They will also be more likely to improve their own communication skills as they will mimic that which affects them positively.

You are the master of your own words, so make each and every one of them count towards improving your situation, and by default the situation of those around you. Positive, effective communication is possible, one conversation at a time.

Working out with a partner

Getting physical exercise is known to be good for your health. Keeps your blood pumping and increases fitness. It also releases endorphins, which create the happy and satisfied feeling that you get after exercising or eating something like chocolate.

Now, if you want to further increase your endorphin levels, as well as reinforce an interpersonal bond, try exercising with a friend or partner. Working out with your partner, especially, has a healing and bonding effect on your relationship. Not to mention the one-on-one time the two of you will have, and the common ground you will both share.

This past week, M and I have started cooperative exercising. We take turns leading the exercises, and mix it up. It’s a lot of fun! I show her a few yoga poses, and we both get a great stretch and release. We toss weighed balls back and forth to work out our arms and shoulders. We did sit-ups, and tandem squats with interlaced arms.

This may sound incredibly dull, and if I were doing it on my own, it certainly would have been. But with M, there’s an added challenge, as well as company. She is right there with me, and so we work out together.

Not only did I manage to actually work out (an accomplishment for me!) but I actually enjoyed it, and look forward to the next time we will be doing it again.

Because of the release of endorphins during exercise, the two of you will have synchronized chemical reactions where your endorphins will both create the feeling of happiness as well as evaporate stress. These feelings will create a more open relationship and you will likely find yourself drawn nearer to your partner once more.

Now, if you are exercising with a friend, similar reactions will happen. You will feel a closer bond with the friend, and you will begin wanting to spend more time with them. If you are already in a relationship, I would recommend mixing up your exercise partner to avoid any undue stress or accusations that may occur, particularly if your partner is known for being jealous.

Exercising with a friend will create a more open friendship as well, which will lead to a deeper connection between the two of you, and you will feel more able to open up to them. It is always good to have a friend you can talk to about anything, and regular exercise with this friend will create simple opportunities to begin a conversation.

Working out with a friend will also give you time for yourself to spend time with someone aside from your partner, which is very good as many people have difficulty doing activities without their partners.

Instead of just drilling away in the gym, or in front of the workout video, invite someone to join you. Reconnect in a way you could never have previously imagined. Relish in the openness of your newly rediscovered relationship.

Do you work out alone? Consider inviting your friend or significant other to join you. What sort of coupled or partnered exercises do you like best? Share your preferences, and learn something new!


Peace and serenity,


Simply Me

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?

Disclaimer: This is a rant, and it will be very opinionated. If you disagree, I respect that. But don't disrespect me by saying my opinion isn't valid, or I will be forced to delete your comment. If you agree, fantastic, I respect that too. Much love.

I will begin by saying it straight out: I am not Christian. I do not believe in Jesus. If you do, good for you and I hope that your faith will get you through the harder times in life. But I am not you. I consider myself a spiritual agnostic. Don't try to search it or look it up on Wikipedia. I made it up, and it covers my beliefs pretty well.

Note: apparently others have thought of it, though their concept of spiritual agnosticism is different than my own

However, I do celebrate Christmas. I love Christmas. It is, without contest, my favourite holiday. It's not the gifts, or the spending money, or the unwrapping of whatever interesting or unique knick-knacks I may receive. It's not even Santa Claus, elves, and all the other fairy tale stuff that makes it magical. It's the family time.

Every Christmas, I spend the day with my parents. Every year, even when I was not living with them, on December the 25th, I would go over to their house and spend the day there. Sometimes my paternal grandmother would be there, sometimes not. Sometimes my aunt on my dad's side would be there, sometimes not. But my parents were ALWAYS there.

Every Boxing Day, I spend the day with my extended family on my mom's side. All 23-or-so of us cram ourselves into whichever house is volunteered for it and spend the day together. We open gifts, we talk amongst each other, we eat. If I didn't go one year, I'm pretty sure my maternal grandmother would whoop my ass, and I would stand there and take it.

But lately, as many of you may have heard, it is no longer 'correct' to say Merry Christmas. Because god help us if we say Merry Christmas to someone of the Jewish, Islamic, Pagan, etc faith. It's an attack on their faith.

I'm sorry, but if I celebrate Christmas, I will be saying Merry Christmas. If I celebrated Hannukah, or Kwanzaa, or Yule, I would expect that people would not be offended by wishing them a joyous Hannukah, or Kwanzaa, or Yule. If you get offended by people who say Merry Christmas, you are insecure in your own faith.

Getting offended at someone wishing you a happy holiday that you do not celebrate is like getting offended when someone asks you if someone of the same gender (if you're straight) or different gender (if you're gay) is attractive. If you can't say that someone else is attractive without being uncomfortable and offended, then you are not secure in your sexuality. Just admit it.

I will say it again, I am not Christian. I celebrate Christmas for what it means to me. I am also gay, but I can tell others that I find men attractive, even if I would never attempt to bed or try to attract one. I am secure in my faith and spirituality as I am secure in my sexuality.

If you say Happy Hannukah to me, I will assume that it is your religion and your holiday that you are following, and I will say Happy Hannukah back to you. Because I respect your choice in religion and holiday.

If you say Happy Kwanzaa to me, I will assume that it is your religion and your holiday that you are following, and I will say Happy Kwanzaa back to you. Because I respect your choice in religion and holiday.

If I say Merry Christmas to you, just say it back. Or reply with the holiday of your personal choice. (example: I say "Merry Christmas" you reply "Happy Hannukah" back. It's not challenging.) I am wishing you well in the festive season and holiday of my choice, and trying to show a level of respect in myself. If you don't respect my choice, then don't say anything back. Don't be snarky, that's just disrespectful and rude.

Saying Happy Holidays, however 'all encompassing' is insulting to me.

1. First of all, you are releasing your own conviction and system of beliefs for fear of insulting or offending people. No matter what you do in life, people will be offended at it. There's nothing you can do about it. Just be yourself and those who respect truth and honesty with come to you.
2. Secondly, most people don't celebrate "holidays" they celebrate Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Yule/etc. Generalizing is discrimination and prejudice. If you don't believe it, start generalizing about a group of people and see if they appreciate it.
3. Thirdly, and finally, most of the 'holiday season' holidays do not overlap. Occasionally they do, but for the most part they are stand-alone. (example: Hannukah started on December 1 and ended December 9, Kwanzaa December 26 til January 1, Yule December 21 in the northern hemisphere and June 21 in the southern hemisphere.) Not even close!

Also, the song is "We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year." Do you want to change a Christmas carol to "We wish you a Happy Holidays and a happy New Year"? I'd be pretty peeved personally.

It is a holiday season, but my holiday is Christmas. If you want me to respect your choices and your beliefs, then show some to me. Because I have nothing against other religions or holidays. Just because they are not my choice does not make them invalid to me.

Open your heart and accept the love that people are trying to share with you.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Guest Post: Seven Steps toward Greener Pets

In a first for Simply Green, we have a wonderful guest post from Jean Dion, a wonderful pet and animal lover who cares about the environment and compassion towards other living things. She loves animals and writing (much like me!) and has offered very sweetly to contribute this very insightful piece to those of you who enjoy reading my posts. So enjoy, let me know what you think, and if you love animals pop on over to her site and read her very helpful and insightful posts.

Having companion animals can be hard on the environment. Taking a few simple steps can help you reduce the impact of your pets.

1. Reduce your passive energy consumption. Look around your home for items you keep plugged in for your animals. I have removed an automatic scooping litter box, a kitty water fountain and an automatic pet feeder from the grid at my house. This means I must wash the pet dishes and clean out the cat box every day, and remember to feed my pets at the same time each day, but I have also reduced my drain on the grid.
2. Spay and neuter your pets. Consider the number of animals that are euthanized every day at animal shelters or given away on Craigslist, Kijiji or even local newspaper classifieds. Most of these animals are adults, thrown away when they were no longer cute and cuddly babies. You can reduce this waste and cut down on pet overpopulation by making sure your own pets do not reproduce.
3. Purchase environmentally friendly cat litter. Many commercial cat litters are made with sodium bentonite, which is harvested in disastrous ways. You can read more here. I have recently switched my cats to World's Best Cat Litter, made of corn. My cats are still transitioning to this cat litter, and it is a bit of a struggle, but the benefits are well worth the work.
4. Purchase biodegradable pickup bags for your dog. It's always bothered me to see people placing a biodegradable substance (poop) in a perfect, plastic coffin. Biodegradable bags solve that problem. You can buy them here.
5. Put a bell on your cats, if they go outside. Cats left outside can decimate local bird populations, and cats will kill birds regardless of the food you leave out for them. If it is at all possible, leave your cats indoors. (I do not advocate a cat-inside-only existence only because doing so would be hypocritical. I have three feral outdoor-only cats.)
6. Purchase durable dog toys. Most dogs, if given half the chance, will rip the heads and arms right off a toy in order to get to the poly filling. Many owners will then toss these toys right in the landfill. Before buying a toy, try to pull it apart yourself. If your dog is a power chewer, only allow him to play with the toy for a short period of time before you remove the toy. My pug, Liam, loves to destroy toys. I repair them. This explains why his toys all look like mutants.
7. Research your pet food. Look for food produced locally, to help cut down on energy costs used in shipping food. If at all possible, make your own food using local, organic ingredients. Do your research and consult with your veterinarian before taking this course, naturally.

All of the topics above were covered in more detail on my blog: dionjean.blogspot.com

Please visit to learn more about how to green up your pets, and to read the day's musings.


A big thank you to Jean Dion for this post, and I hope that the pet owners out there find it helpful! I personally have two pets and they are very near and dear to my heart. I appreciate that each person's opinion and method of caring for their pets in a responsible manner is their own to make, and I hope that these tips are helpful to those who are looking for more information.

If you want more information on homemade pet food, check out Beth Terry's method of making her own cat food with barely any plastic waste.

Of course, reduction may be more important to you in the reference of poop bags. If this is the case, reuse the bags you have or that your family may have collected. You can be sure that people without pets tend to hoard produce bags, bread bags, etc simply because they feel bad throwing them out. If you ask for them for your dog, I would say at least 90% of them would give them to you without blinking.

If you are trying to cut down on your clay consumption (cat litter) and don't want to contribute to non-nutritious forms of corn consumption (corn based cat litter) you could always try potty training your cat, like Mark and Melanie of NoNewPlastic.com

Have any other tips, tricks or ideas on keeping the planet healthy while enjoying the company of pets? Feel free to share them here, or if you don't want your words made public send me an e-mail (or click the Contact Me tab).

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Memories

How do you qualify and quantify your memories? Are they in physical objects, such as photos, knick-knacks, old artwork or books?

Focusing on objects of memorabilia, do they bring back pleasant or happy memories? An object that you have in your home should remind you of happiness or at least bring a smile to your face. If it isn’t, it’s time to figure out why you’re still holding onto it.

Negative Memories

Is it guilt over a failed relationship? We’ve all been there, trying to hold onto a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, that just didn’t work despite everything. Don’t hold onto your pain, tell yourself that it’s alright, and let it go.

Do you feel obligated to hold onto it, because it’s from family or a friend, and you don’t want to (or are afraid to) tell them why it’s gone if they ask? If someone truly cares about you and your emotional wellbeing, they probably won’t notice (unless it’s something big) and if they do, they will surely understand. Take the time to talk to people, if you are getting rid of it, explain why or at least tell them that you are passing it on to the less fortunate by donating it. Very few people take offense to the thought that their gift will be enjoyed by more than one person.

No matter the reason that you hold onto these negative or neutral memories, any memory that you are keeping in the form of a physical object should be cherished and appreciated. The objects in your home should represent the love and happiness that you want to surround you.

If you want to rehash the past because you think it will ease your mind, do it! Don’t spend your time planning words that you won’t say. Start slow and use “I” statements. If you want to do this, start with something more recent and probably less painful. Something that was hurtful or negative that you want to resolve before it starts to fester.

Before you approach the source of the negativity, try to rationalize your thoughts and get them in order. Think through what you want to say and how you want to say it. Sort out your thoughts and emotions and write them down. When your words and thoughts are organized, it will be easier to think clearly and express yourself. Then open with an “I” statement:

• I feel that your words were/are harsh and hurtful
• I didn’t like how you spoke of

Don’t put bias or judgment in your words, that will only cause hostility and anger and that won’t help to ease your own personal painful memory. Just express the way that you felt/feel and how it affected you without putting any blame on them. It may have been their fault, but accusing them will not make anything better.

Positive Memories

Do you have photos and trinkets around that remind you of positive and happy memories? Sources of good memories can often make or break how you feel about yourself. If you have a lot of reminder of the good things in your life, then when a sadness or depression strikes you will have the power and the tools in your environment to fight it and bounce back easily.

Are there some pieces of memorabilia that you would like to showcase more? Go through what you have out right now and reassess how it makes you feel. Does any of it cause you to feel resentment or frustration? If you have a negative reaction to something you have presented, get rid of it! You don’t deserve to have something in open sight that causes you mental or psychological distress. Surround yourself with the most powerful memories possible and reap the psychological benefits.

Getting rid of weak or negative memories

When going through your possessions, you will likely come across an item that brings back a negative memory. Decide what you are going to do about it. Are you going to hold onto it, or get rid of it? Are you ready to release the memory and the accompanying emotions?
If you plan on keeping it, are you going to put it in the open so that visitors may see it and ask about it, or will you put it away so that you don’t have to look at it? Putting it away will only cause you to push the emotional response from that item down and may cause undue stress, so if you do that I would recommend making a note to yourself to revisit it when you have thought it through and may be in a better position to deal with the item and its accompanying memories.

Having memories surrounding you with good times and pleasant thoughts is always a good thing, but remember to live in the present and not to dwell too much on what has passed. Life is for the living, so remember to experience it while it’s here, and create new happy memories.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Monday Musing: Crutch or Reason?

I really appreciate all the input I got for my emotional expression the other day, it's nice to know that there are others out there that experience issues that are beyond their control. I always know that there are others out there with problems coping, but it's nice to actually hear from you (Here's looking at you Denise!)

My thoughts today have to do with sharing your mental instabilities (whatever they may be) with those around you. I find that sometimes when people find out that I have trouble controlling my emotions and keeping them under control and logical, that they tend to start thinking that I'm less of a mature adult, and more someone who needs to be treated like a kid who doesn't know what life is really like.



If I'm not enjoying shopping one day, it might be because my mood is a little bit off centre, or it might be because I'm just tired and don't feel like shopping. Or what we're looking at isn't interesting to me. To say "oh, if you're just going to be moody, then what's the point?" just makes me feel like a complete nincompoop. Not to mention that it's really harsh.

To look at me when I might look sad or depressed, maybe it is a swing in the mood that came up for no reason, or maybe it's because I had a crappy day. Maybe it's even because your general tone of voice is really harsh and hurting my feelings. I have feelings, and I'm proud of it, and I don't like it when people treat me like I'm some kind of zombie just because I tend to have mood swings. It's biased, prejudiced, and effing rude. (Pardon my language)

So when someone you know has trouble coping, or has some mood disorder (whether it's diagnosed or not) or maybe is just having a bad day, try looking at it from their perspective instead of just thinking that they're being an inconvenience. Because when you have compassion for those around you, they are way more likely to believe that you are sincere when you ask them what's wrong, and maybe talking to you will help break them out of whatever funk they're in.

Think globally. Even a simple smile can change someone's day, imagine what a whole tone of voice can do.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Monday Musing series? Here's the rest of the posts:
Gardens
Happy thoughts
Automatic negative reactions
Thanksgiving
Sustainable eating
Contentment

Finding inspiration

What inspires you? For me, it can be reading articles, or just sitting outside.

Lately, I'm having a hard time finding inspiration. Maybe because of some stress and frustration at home, but it's becoming harder to focus on creation.

I find myself reading a lot of articles and working towards expanding my knowledge, and yet at the same time I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I can't really even consider it writer's block, because it's happening in general conversation as well.

Listening is a skill that has always come easily for me. The ability to listen without interrupting, and hear more than just the words being said, but the meaning and intonation beneath them as well is a skill that I've discovered many people don't possess. In light of this, I try and spread it further, and expand my understanding level.

I enjoy listening to people, hearing them talk about things that they find important. Sometimes I have a hard time because a person's beliefs or thoughts are different from my own, but I remind myself that each person has their own perspective. Your perspective on any given subject will likely be at least minutely different from mine, and at most completely opposite, and that's okay.
But finding the words to express the feelings and thoughts inside my own mind has always been a struggle, and lately I have been trying to break out of my shell somewhat and express myself. Only the words in my vocabulary just don't quite express the meaning I'm trying to share.

Perhaps my emotions are far to different, or perhaps most people just use words that are "close enough" to how they feel. I'm not sure, but I'd like to find out.
To find within myself the feelings that I have, I try to focus and relax. I tend to fight against feelings, particularly negative ones, and in doing that I restrict my ability to feel emotions fully. My mind will automatically shut off and void out any emotions that I would guard against, and so I find it very difficult to break out of that.
I have been writing down thoughts when I feel them, but it's not a regular thing. I definitely recommend it, because it helps to discover the feeling as it happens, instead of trying to remember it. You might find yourself with a whole new perspective on your own emotions, which may help you to understand yourself. Finding your true emotions is essential when trying to determine your purpose, and that's what I am trying to do.
Follow me on this road, and let me know what thoughts you have. Share with me, and I will share back. Relationships are built based on truth and openness, so here is my statement of openness. Give love, and receive love in return. Life is a wonderful experience, so go out and experience it. Find your inspiration, and follow it. Challenge your walls and restrictions, and push through.
Peace and serenity,
Simply Me

Do things for yourself

Stop right now. Stop whatever you're doing.

Think about what you're doing. Is it for you, or is it for someone else?

When was the last time you did something for yourself?

Can you remember?

Well, I want you to do something for yourself. Right now.

Eat something you enjoy. Write something you want to write. Give yourself 15 minutes to relax in silence. Listen to some music. Whatever you like.

Just do it.

It'll feel good, and you'll feel better.

You spend all day trying to do things for other people. Who is more important to you than yourself? If you answer anything other than "ME!" you have your priorities mixed up. Even if you have a baby, or a child, or whatever else, YOU are still the most important.

Why?

Because if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help other as effectively, and you'll burn yourself out. Then who will help those you were helping?

So take some time and do something just for you.

You won't regret it.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Wednesday's Small Step: Smile at strangers

When you feel sad, or lonely, doesn't it always pick you up when you see someone smiles at you? It could be the guy sweeping the sidewalk downtown, or the friendly cashier at the coffee shop. Or your child when you wake them up in the mornig. But it always makes you feel that little bit better.

Can't you be that for somebody? Pay it forward, and share the happiness you feel.

It will feel so good. And it doesn't take any extra effort. Just throw a smile on your face, and watch people light up when they pass you.

Love is all you need. Love can change the world. One smile at a time.

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Small Steps series? Let me know what you think below.

Compassionate Parenting: Apply it to everyday life

I was doing a lot of reading yesterday, and came across a few websites and articles about compassionate parenting. Reading through them gives you that "well duh how did I not think of that??" feeling, and to be honest, made me feel like a bad and mean parent.

Not a happy feeling. But then I got to thinking...

If we can be compassionate towards our children, why can't we be compassionate towards one another?

Is it so hard to take a little bit of time out of our day to take notice and care about the feelings and emotions of those around you? Particularly those who you are close to?

When we are upset, we tend to get selfish and self centred and feel that the world is being mean to us. It's not, it's just our emotions playing games, and interpreting things wrong. Try thinking back to the last time you were angry. Take a step back and think about why you felt that way.

Say you had a fight with your significant other about dishes. Was it really about dishes, or was there something else? Were you being defensive because you don't like being argued with? I get that sometimes, I will admit it. I'll get defensive because I don't like being shown why something I've done is wrong.

But that's life. We have to do things wrong sometimes to learn. Learning is the most important we can do as humans, because it advances us and makes us pay attention to what's around.

Can you take a step back while you're upset? Not always. But if you realize after the fact, and discuss it with the person who made you upset, maybe you can find a way to keep it from happening again.

Isn't it worth a little extra effort if it makes everyone's day easier?

I'm going to try. Are you?

Peace and serenity,

Simply Me

Enjoy the Compassionate Parenting series? Click the link for a full list from the series.

Day 23 — the last person I kissed

Well this one is easy!! Haha, gotta love that. They give you a few days of challenging tweets, people you have to dredge up from your past and force yourself to remember. Then a twist comes in and reminds you of the happy things you have happening right now.

@Loveofmylife I love you so much, and I look forward to every kiss and every touch. Falling asleep in your arms in the best part of my morning and of my night.